Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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