Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
