I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
