so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
