So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We are all done wearing pants today
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
