I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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