Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
