There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
