Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She bit a glass in half.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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