Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
