if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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