My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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