In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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