Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
