I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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