be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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