No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
