Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
