Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
