Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
