So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You are a genius and a whore.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
