We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
