At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
