I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
