Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
