Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
