What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
