I'm so fucking centered right now
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?