You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
