The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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