Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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