my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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