I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
