Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
