My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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