just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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