woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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