My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just found a bag of teeth...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize