3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am in a vortex of obligation.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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