So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Randomize
