I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
