Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need water and some morals
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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