I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
