I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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