the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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