So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
