capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
