bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
