I wish I only lived at night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
