My nipple is on Facebook.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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