Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
