If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
