its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
