she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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