Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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