I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
