Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
