It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
